20 😬 Is it too late to “take backsies”?

It’s my birthday 🎉  yeah yeah whoop-de-do! And I embraced in this new age by lying in my bed, cuddling my stuffed 🦄  Mallow, and watching anime on my phone.

Yes, I’m now 20… going on 5.😝

But like, do people even #birthday anymore? Lying there contemplating my life, a part of me just feels truly grateful and blessed. It’s sad how sometimes you just don’t appreciate it that much, you know? Life. That is. Especially waking up to the tragic news about the attack in Manchester.

I want to send out my sincerest condolences to those affected by the tragic event in Manchester. Sending all love ❤️ and positive vibes, and keeping you in my prayers 🙏🏾 

And reading Bob Lefsetz recent post on The Lefsetz Letter. He wrote something that really resonated with me.

“We don’t blink, We go on.”

*You can check out the post by following the link above or here.

Each year as I moving forward and get older, I realize you don’t know what’s going to happen. You can’t control everything and the fleeting, simple moments that seem the most insignificant, are probably what you will look back at as you keep growing.

Well, I do. I don’t particularly care for some of the fickle things I wanted or craved or drove me insane. I don’t have the same priorities, goals, and dreams. I don’t think as unrealistically as I used to. I’m learning as I go, and that’s okay. I know what I want, where I’m going, although how I’ll get there I don’t know. And that’s okay!! But most of all, I would like to be content and happy.

You’re  probably like, okay? 🎶 What do you mean? 🎶

What’s that?  How’s that?  How you going to achieve that? WHAT IS HAPPINESS EVEN??Oh, wait… that’s just me. lol, 🎉 internal battles. 🎉

But walevvvaaa. I’ll figure it out. I’m just glad to be home for it all, so imma throwback it back a bit #reminiscing 💜

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Never have I ever…

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Hmm…

So, standing outside under a cloudy sky, late on a Saturday night 🌃 , we kinda huddled near the street, sparsely scattered with cars. Bitter-sweet moments, all fading away in clouds of cigarette smoke 🚬.. The quiet streets echoed with a dissonant tune of a heated car horn battle between two 🚗  irrational 🚙competitors, with the surprise of an unexpected third challenger ⁉️ and the chorus of giggles and bellows of bubbling laughter 😂.. Soon, a myriad of conversations, all intersecting falls upon the group. Someone shares a joke or comment and the whole group responds –  blah, blah blah…

So anyway, without delving too much into the details. In one of these passing conversations, one kinda caught everyone’s ear about getting sick of a cold or something like that. Thereafter, a silly joke was made about Ebola (haha🙄). But in the whispers of the wind, a comment floated by caught only by the targeted.

“She does.”img_0254

😲   😳   😳   😳   😳  😠   😐   😑   😶

Never have I ever…been so amused by someone’s ignorance.

My ego was telling me one thing, but my conscience was telling me… the same thing. But sometimes, the clap back 👏🏾  has to simmer. Sit on the pot for a good minute, time it just right… then heh!

I’ll just say when I did, it felt good👸🏾. My approach is b*tch-worthy, but not-so-subtle, snarky remarks that could pass off depending if you understand the situation.

I think about maybe 3-4 people understood that situation at the time.

Never have I ever… felt so much rage.

Honestly, I’ve it’s been a while since I’ve felt that much rage for a pers- no, wait…🤔  Eh. Anyway. Back to my rage. Well not – really rage, but just a complete shock on how ignorant someone can be. How someone can say something so stupid they don’t realise it could possibly be hurtful, even if it’s just a little. A bewitching brew of emotions; irritation😠 , confusion 😯 , anger 😡 , shock 😳  – all bubbling up inside and heating me up from the inside. My thoughts going a mile a minute trying to comprehend how? What? Why? What the Frizzle?! 🤷🏾‍♀️

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The number of things I had done to that boy in my mind! Aki, Ma Ngai!!!!! He 👏🏾  he 👏🏾he👏🏾…. Let’s just say you would be seeing me home sooner rather than later.

BUT THEN! The child had the audacity to taunt me more as I was heading back to my room. Wolo lo lo lo!!! 🙌🏾

WE! Endelea kucheza na moto. 🔥

But after a while, I slowly started to simmer down and I was like. Whatever.  I felt nothing.😶  Because I realised, this is just the first of many such encounters. Will they kill me? B*tch please? 💁🏾 Kwani? ‘Cause you think your who?

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You can cash me outside…how bow dah? 
😏

The life of an ignorant a**hole is simple. Ah! What a life! Enjoy… 🖕🏾 (oops… 👍🏾  😅)
P.S. I don’t have time for you. #BoyBye. 👋🏾

But remember darling, stay in your lane. 🛣

✌🏾 Laters,

Ennaira 🙊  💜

 

 

The Block

Okay…. I haven’t posted in a while I’m sorry. 🙏🏾 But my reasons are valid! (Much like my dreams. Thanks Lupita! 😂 )

1. School. 🙄

Okay…I can’t really blame everything on that. But, as the new semester rolls in, so does a fresh wave of anxiety, angst and absolute confusion. Especially when it feels like I was accepted to Hogwarts but the ironic twist is he who shall not be named actually wins.😐

Being back is fun, although my first week felt like I’d never left. Literally, it felt like the break never happened. And before I knew it, I felt like a kuku🐓  with its head cut off running around trying to figure everything out. And then all of a sudden we’re in February, and even though it’s like the second week of school, I feel like it’s been a month…

Bleugh…

2. I’ve been stuck in a funk.

And if you write anything, be it poems, songs, books, sonnets, – whatever the frock lets your fingers flow freely. You know that there are times when this wave of blankness envelopes you everytime you think you have something, and when you try to force it out, it’s just horrible. And all you can think is “Why am I like this? What is happening?”😭

You feel me? Nah? Maybe that’s just me.

When I’m in a bad mood or I just feel iffy, sometimes no matter how much I try to write anything I just end up in a worse mood. 🤷🏾‍♀️ But my funk turned into more of a funky ki-vibe, so now I’m dancing to my own tune and I’m just trying to stress less and just let everything fall into place… be zen, you know? ✌🏾

Lol.. like that will last.

3. Works in progress…

I’ve also been trying to work on more original music. Grace your wonderful ears with a variety of tunes that will be stuck in your head for the week (#songbombed) 😝
So far, so good. I’m happy with what I have and just trying to build off those ideas.

Side note – I’m trying to find people to bounce ideas off and get some feedback. If you would like that, hit me up on FB, Down in my DM, whatever. 

Well, this is the end of this Public Announcement.. lol, but remember, stay chill.  😊

Ennaira 🙈 💜

 

Scared of Lonely…

It’s a beautiful day, and I woke up feeling lovely. Hope you did too.
Tomorrow, I return to the frozen tundra that is Minnesota. I’ve seen countless snaps and let’s just say I’m not ready to become an icicle once I leave the airport. But if Google serves me right, I’ll be dealing with more rain than snow 🙏🏾(now what happened to my umbrella-ella ☂️ eh?) Although, the weather in Saint Paul is looking manageable so yay!

I’m really sad to be leaving Atlanta tbh. The weather is nice, it’s chill and I’ve had such a wonderful time. Plus, who doesn’t want a longer holiday? (more like a forever holiday🙄) Don’t get me wrong. I’m really excited to be going back. I can’t wait to dive back into school and see my Mcnally Family (which from this day will be called the McFam💜, because Mcnally Family is a mouthful). I’m excited to do so many things that I hadn’t done before the break.

But the reason I’ve been anxious to go back is mostly one thing. I’m scared of being lonely.

Not alone but lonely. The difference being simply this. I don’t mind being alone. In fact, it’s something it’s something I embrace. Being able to gather yourself in your own little bubble and just breathe, be yourself…I love it! It’s something I’m used to. Something I crave at times.

a·lone
adjective & adverb
1. having no one else present; on one’s own.

But being lonely is different. It puts me in a space where I start to overthink everything (more than I already do) and that’s when negativity starts to slowly slither its way into my mind. It makes me anxious and just puts me in an iffy mood😶. Have you ever been in a room full of people; whether at a party or concert, or with your family or friends, and you just feel out of place? A wallflower in the dark amidst a garden blooming with light, life and joy. I have. And sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I can’t get myself to blend in and enjoy.

lone·ly
adjective
1.sad because one has no friends or company.

All I’m trying to show is that there’s a difference. That’s why this year, I decided that this is something that will not stop me from doing what I want 🙅🏾. Why? Because I know I have friends, I can talk to no matter how I’m feeling. I have my family, although far, who love me and care for me. I have someone I love, and who loves me back. I’m going to an amazing school and doing what I love. What more could I ask for? 🤷🏾‍♀️ (okay… I could ask for a lot more.. but you get my drift 🤔)

In my previous post, I wrote that you were born into this world alone, and you will leave this world alone. But I’m just trying to make the difference clear. You can choose to be alone, but you don’t have to be.

Loneliness is something that can be overcome because no one is every truly alone. 

No matter how much you think the world has a personal grudge against you or life just wants to pelt you with 🍋lemons🍋. So take out the tequila 🍸 and don’t fret. If you fall, you can get back up again. Push through because you can do anything you want to do.The world is a treasure map and its beautiful, bountiful spoils are yours for the taking. (I’ve been rewatching One Piece…😬)

So Work hard, Play harder, Live to the fullest and Love more than anything. And don’t forget, there’s nothing wrong in asking for a little help along the way.

Till next time darlings,😊

Ennaira 🙈💜

#The2017Effect

So the holidays went by in a blur…literally (if you can remember the holiday weekend as clear as day, kudos to you), and the new year rang in with a flurry of fireworks, rib-aching laughter, and a banging headache that leaves you bedridden the whole day.

Yup. That sounds about right.

And now we have 2017! A year of playing hard and grinding harder. Everybody seems to have a mission, a goal or a plan and no time for nonsense (👏🏾  #Clapback season!! 👏🏾 ).
For something that people have been saying every year, “New Year, New Me” seems like a recurring mentality honestly. Personally, I want to say “New Year, Let’s see”. I have no idea what will come my way, but I’m willing to meet it head on and push through. I want to procrastinate less and find myself more.

Before 2016 (UGH!🙄 ) ended, I had to write a research paper for one of my classes on a topic of our choosing. Being the over-achiever I am 🤓 , I wrote about how willpower can make one successful in life. Is it something I believe?? Hell yes! And so the last line of my paper was, “If you will it and believe it, you will be it and live it.”
*Side note – This was the most draining assignment of my whole life because it was a really ironic joke as I had no “will power” to do the paper… but I got it done after a lot of coffee, a large can of Red bull (big mistake) and confusion. So YAY!

When I was younger..er, I had – and still have – so many dreams and visions for myself. I’d wish on stars, eyelashes, 11:11 and anything else that I believed would turn my dreams into reality. No lies, I still do. Lol 😂 !! But the difference between younger(er) Me, and the person I am now, is that I understand that as much as I may wish and dream – if I’m not putting in the effort and working for what I want, I won’t get it. Simple as that. They’ll be no magic lamp with a genie to grant my three wishes, and there will definitely be no fairy godmother to poof in from who-knows-where to bippity-boppity boo my booty all Cindrella-style. 💩

The 2017 effect is kicking in, and it feels good. It feels like a good year. But it will only be as good as you decide to make it. So go into it with POSITIVE VIBES (very important), a vision, and the will to slay your demons, haters, and all dem bad vibes, and rise from the ashes, like the Mother of Dragons in all her glory!! (because phoneix[s?] are awesome but cliche af… no offense) If you don’t watch Game of Thrones #sorrynotsorry.
I’m no expert on life. I just think if you do you, then you’re all good👍🏾 .Don’t fret about pettiness and all that. If you ain’t got the time for it! #Swerve! 💃🏾  And don’t apologise for cutting people from your life if all their doing is wasting your time, or surrounding you with negative energy 🙅🏾 . Remember darling, you were born into this world alone, and you sure as hell are leaving it alone.

😋  Happy New Year darlings! 😊

Ennaira 🙈  💜