Let me start by saying, I DO NOT have arachnophobia. I have never been afraid of spiders in any way or form (kinda). Actually, bugs in generally…wait, no. Let me rephrase that. Some bugs, don’t scare me. Those species of bugs they keep finding, give me the creeps… and caterpillars.. and centipedes. Anyway, some bugs… bug me, and some don’t. But anyway. Even before I got home, I’ve been preparing myself.
From different accounts relayed to me by my sestra (sister.. if you don’t know this reference, you should really watch orphan black) and my mother. I was ready for battle with the most sinister kind of bug there is to human kind… wait. That’s mosquitos. Okay…the second most sinister. Being…the spider. 🕷
I didn’t really know why people are scared of them until I encountered a near-death experience with one. Honestly, this bastard taunted me, played with my feelings, and traumatised me beyond what I thought was possible. I’ll tell you my encounter with this eight legged fiend.
*Please read the following in an old-school detective voice, as it adds to the character… lol
“So, there I was minding my own business, when I walked into my room after a long day to settle into bed, when I see this beast; eight legs and probably a bunch of eyes I can’t see at this distance, perched against the wall, waiting for me. 🕷
When I tell you this sucker was big…he was literally the size of the palm of my hand. But, well most people tell me I have small hands. Thats not the point. Anyway, he was 👀 eyeing 👀 me. Waiting for my next move. And when I slowly approached, he ran deeper into the shadows like a creeper in the night. I ignored it. First mistake. 🙄
I proceeded to get comfortable in my safe haven, and lay in bed, to then watch my anime. What was I watching you ask? Well, ofcourse my favourite anime of all time, One Piece. I had just reached the Water 7 Arc, which I realized is more significant, and interesting that I had first thought it would be. But suddenly, in the flicker of lights, I saw a shadow of a figure on the wall beside me. 😳
“It couldn’t be…😰”, I thought to myself. But when the screen flashed once more; there he was, the bastard himself, inches away from my face, stand still – as if picasso had painted him there himself. 😵 I did not scream, well… until I was far enough from my bed. But not loud enough to rouse my loved ones… (okay… that’s a lie and you all know it, but let’s continue) 💁🏾
I ran to the sitting room to get the bring what I could only call Doom to this little fella. Yes, Mortein Doom. (like forrel though). And when I did, I sprayed him like a soroity girl in a wet t-shirt contest. Happy with myself, I returned the Doom to my sister and went back to my room, ready for a goodnight sleep thinking, #MissonAccomplised! 👍🏾 But my battle was far from over.
Just as I was about to switch the lights off in my room, this cretin, this persistant little bugger of a fool, was there. Waiting for me. 😱Right below my light switch! 😱 I was terrifed! Gobsmaked! I could not believe my eyes!!! This guy was either seriously indestructable, or he had been watching too many “Die Hard or Live Trying” movies. So what did I do?
I did the only thing any sane kenyan would do. I took my ngoma (Thank you Bata, bless your soul), and hit that bastard like my life depended on it (which it clearly did). I then, laid wait for the next attack. 🙇🏾♀️ But it didn’t come, so therefore I realized I WAS VICTORIUS!!!!” 💃🏾💪🏾
No joke though, this was literally one of the worst encounters of my life! But. Did I let that fool beat me? NO, I DID NOT! I slayed the idiot and I came out feeling like Daenerys with those so called “Nobles” tryna take her kingdom! 🙌🏾 (Yes, I had to throw a Game of Thrones reference in there because… that new episode f*d me up! But she’s quueeenn!)
Life lesson? Spiders are dicks, and I don’t like them. 🙅🏾
P.S to all the spiders out there….
I only liked you cause my sister didn’t. 😂
‘Kay Bye, ✌🏾
to all you not so friendly neighbourhood spiders, 😉